Hey kids, I've been busy because I have a relatively new job with ESPN, but I haven't quit writing. In fact, the guy I used to write for a Chicago Sports Weekly is working at ESPN the mag. So I wrote this little ditty for them. It's neat, huh?
I just got back from interviewing Lee Elia and Les Grobstein. Both great guys. Les was the guy who recorded, then made public the tape where Elia went nuts on Cubs fans. The tape had 54 bleeps - 45 of which Elia dropped the big one. And by the big one I mean he said fuck. I talked with both of them today at Harry Caray's downtown where Elia is selling an autographed ball with a recording of the tirade to benefit a cancer charity. Les was there getting the scoop. The most amazing part of this picture is Les is still using the same microphone he used 25 years ago to capture infamy. He told me White Sox firstbaseman Paul Konerko offered to by the rare piece of baseball history. Les said he'll probably auction it off for charity.
They really are class acts.
The Masters tees off today, and, even in this age of Wall-to-Wall coverage, the only way to watch Tiger and the rest play their round was to be there. That's not to say you couldn't experience it.
At masters.org you can watch live action on holes 15 & 16. It's a neat little video feature, but watching the same two tee boxes gets old after 15 or 16 minutes. You can see the scoreboard updated as soon as a ball drops in a hole. But watching numbers click away after a birdie or par is tantamount to watching a crack-head twitch while sleeping. But the the Golf Channel's coverage is one for the ages.
Since Arnold Palmer ceremoniously began the Masters at Augusta National, the Golf Channel has been
providing insight and analysis. When Luke Donald went to -1 they were talking about him as if he was getting the fitted for the green jacket as they spoke. Since then little knows Ian Poulter, Sandy Lyle, and Stephen Ames have been the hailed as would-be-champions. Of course, Tigers every shot is scrutinized and analyzed. But the best part is all of this is done inside the Golf Channel studios. No video, no interviews, just talking heads sitting around an anchor desk. The lone female looks like Jan Hooks, and behaves like her character as the Alamo's tour guide in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Eventually, one guy got up from the desk and started putting at a green just to the right of the desk. Either he was re-enacting putting strokes that had just occurred, or he was thought three people sitting around talking about the Masters was so dull he had to
do something else. I imagine he wasn't alone.
If you're the betting type you could have taken Tiger to win at +120, or the field at -140. The latter bet seems to make more sense. The Las Vegas books are just looking to capitalize on the numb-skulls that think all Tiger needs to do is wear a red shirt on Sunday to win. Well, that's not too far off from reality, but those odds suck. Of course, I'm rooting for John Daly. I want him to win or go into the DTs on Amen Corner.
I read somewhere that pro handicapper Wayne Allen Root's picks winners about 58% of the time. If you bet sports at a casino, you have to have a win rate of 52% to beat the house juice and break even. If you took Root's picks to one of the Leroy's sports books, at the end of the season you'd make 6% on your money. If this is what the pros make how can an amateur bettor expect to do any better?
Point spreads make game line bets similar to wagering on the flip of a coin. Most of the professional sports handicappers "know somebody" at every big game. Someone who knows who's hurt before the bookies get word. Someone who knows the grounds keepers that say the turf is sloppy. Someone who knows the referee is in big with bookies and is going to call unnecessary technicals. If you don't know "somebody" just make a guess - the less you know may actually help you.
During the football season I won a bet with my Las Vegas contortion. I won 48% of my college picks - good enough for the rest of them to buy me dinner at the Wynn steakhouse SW. I think the bill was $35,000, but it was worth it. I actually think I'm a pretty good football handicapper, but it's all an illusion. Most guys think they're pretty good at picking winners, but they're not. Each time someone tells you about the winner they picked they're hiding the three dogs that lost them most of their bankroll. A chimp could pick winners as well as you.
My monkey picked Kansas. I know nothing about college basketball other than it's basketball played by college kids. I entered a bracket with the folks in Vegas, with another dinner awarded to the winner. Most of the time, I was getting killed. I couldn't pick a winner to save my life (I had Indiana going to the Final Four). I expected to lose, I was just hoping the winner would pick a place I like. That all changed when Kansas beat North Carolina Saturday night.
If the Memphis beats Kansas, we will be going to Michael's at the South Point. But if the Jayhawks come in, I get to pick the place. If anyone has any suggestions, please don't hesitate to pass them along. John from coolvegasmap.com gave me the idea of hitting the Binions Steakhouse. I don't know how that would compare to SW, but I would really like to find out.
Go KU!
There are some jobs I've always wanted, but haven't pursued because, in the long run, these gigs will leave me empty and sad. Like becoming a male prostitute. Sure, it sounds great, but you only have to look at Fred Garvin to see it's a life despair and loneliness.
I've also wanted to be in research and development at a food products company. But then I see some of the stuff these people come up with and wonder how they sleep at night after offering this shit to the American public. Here are some of my favorites:
bite?" 
